The Love Guru
(2008)

POOPER:
With Guru Pitka’s guidance, Darren gets his wife Prudence back, stands up to his mother for the first time in his life, and scores the winning penalty shot on Jacques Grande in the Stanley Cup finals to win the Cup for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

In the locker room, Deepak Chopra comes up to Pitka and tells him that, after having a conversation over the phone with Oprah Winfrey, he was able to convince her to give him another chance to be on her show (Pitka turned down her first invitation in order to focus on fixing Darren). Pitka respectfully refuses the opportunity, telling him that he is perfectly content with being “the first Guru Pitka” rather than “the next Deepak Chopra,” showing that he has finally learned to love himself. Because of that, Guru Tugginmypudha removes his chastity belt on his return to India, which allows him to finally pursue an intimate relationship with Jane.

LONG VERSION:
After the Leafs lose the first three games of the Stanley Cup finals, Pitka (Mike Myers) is told by a furious Jane (Jessica Alba) to get Darren (Romany Malco) to start playing better, and then Dick (John Oliver) tells Pitka that he will lose his potential spot on The Oprah Winfrey Show to Deepak Chopra if Darren is not back together with Prudence (Meagan Good) by the next game. Not wanting to lose his spot to Deepak, Pitka decides – with Dick’s encouragement – to go against his “DRAMA” method by taking a shortcut (he earlier said that there were no shortcuts with that method if it was to work).

Pitka and his assistant Rajneesh (Manu Narayan) go to a nightclub hosting the Los Angeles Kings and distract Jacques (Justin Timberlake) by having his favorite singer, Celine Dion, perform on the stage, giving them the chance to talk to Prudence alone. Pitka convinces her to come meet Darren at his ashram tomorrow at noon to see that he has become a new man, which she verbally expresses her doubts about since he can’t play in front of his mother Lillian (Telma Hopkins). Jacques overhears this tidbit of information, and then he attempts to confront Pitka and Rajneesh, but they get away. The next day, Pitka – over Rajneesh’s objections – has Darren lie to Prudence by saying that he didn’t need to stand up to his mother. Prudence takes him back, and Rajneesh warns Pitka that this shortcut will haunt him.

With Darren (technically) back on track, the Leafs tie the series at three games apiece, and Pitka receives word from Dick that he has secured a spot on Oprah. However, Rajneesh’s words have already started ringing true to him, for he is not as thrilled as he ought to be over the news. Also, he isn’t thrilled about having to leave Jane, whom he has (mutually) fallen for, but can’t be intimate with because of his chastity belt (which she isn’t aware of).

Before the start of the final game, Jacques – remembering what Prudence had said back at the nightclub – brings in Lillian to sing the national anthem to freak Darren out. It works, with Darren running to the dressing room and locking himself in. Waiting in the Toronto Airport with Dick for his flight to Chicago, Pitka sees the freak-out on TV, and decides to go straight to the arena to help Darren. When Dick tries to stop him, he severs all ties with him.

He first phones Jane, and after admitting that he lied about Darren being cured, he tells her to buy her team some time so he can get to the arena. He then phones Rajneesh and tells him to come meet him at the arena so he can finish fixing Darren, and Rajneesh immediately heads there with their elephant Bodhisattva. As Jane makes her way down to the Leafs’ box to get Coach Cherkov (Verne Troyer) to call a time-out, a Torontonian she passes heckles her, prompting her to finally stand up to all of the Torontonians, yelling that they can all kiss her ass if they don’t like her.

Once Pitka gets there, Jane confronts him over how he lied to her, and thinking that she was talking about how he refused her romantic advances and lied about the reasons why he did, he reveals his chastity belt. He then speaks to Darren privately and finally gives him the strength to stand up to his mother, and he heads back out onto the ice. Rajneesh then arrives with Bodhisattva.

By this point, there is only thirty seconds left in the game with the Kings leading 1-0. Darren ties it up, but when he tries to score the game-winning goal, he is tripped, stopping the game at only one second left and giving him a penalty shot. However, before he can take it, Jacques verbally reminds him of how he had sex with Prudence. Darren freezes up, and after he tells Pitka about what Jacques said, Pitka decides to give him a distraction so he will be able to forget Jacques’ words and take his shot. He proceeds to bring Bodhisattva and a visiting circus elephant named Lucy onto the ice and has them have sex in front of everyone (two elephants humping was considered by Pitka’s guru, Guru Tugginmypudha [Ben Kingsley], to be the “ultimate distraction”). This does the work of distracting Darren’s mind, enabling him to score the goal and win the Stanley Cup for the Leafs. Amidst the on-ice celebration, Jacques respectfully salutes Darren.

As Pitka celebrates with the Leafs in their dressing room, Deepak Chopra (himself) comes up to him. He tells him that Oprah had called him and said that he (Pitka) had cancelled, so he convinced Oprah to give him another chance. Pitka respectfully refuses it, telling him that he is perfectly content with being “the first Guru Pitka” rather than “the next Deepak Chopra,” showing that he has finally learned to love himself.

The movie then goes back to Pitka in his village. After he finishes telling the story, Jane appears, followed by Guru Tugginmypudha. He tells Pitka that since he has finally learned to love himself, he can now remove his chastity belt. Pitka asks him for the key, but Tugginmypudha reveals that there is no key at all, and turns a snap in the back to open it. He then leaves Pitka’s life, feeling that he has learned all he can from him. Now able to pursue an intimate relationship with Jane, Pitka celebrates by performing a musical number with her, singing and dancing to an Indian-themed version of the Steve Miller Band song “The Joker”, and he kisses her to close out the movie. 

 

Thanks Tornado Dragon!